The Tales of Kisame Hoshigaki
by KisameFest
Summary: Various drabbles and one-shots of our favourite shark, Kisame! Kisame x Everyone. Ranges from pairings to friendships. Taking requests!
1. Goldfish

This is a challange I've set myself. I've seen alot of drabbles in different fandoms for different things and I've always wanted to do my own. So, what better than to do it with Kisame!  
Basically it's gonna be like, each chapter will be Kisame x someone, pairing or not. Could be more people, but the focus will be Kisame. Yay!

**Rating:** T (Language)

**Characters:** Kisame, Itachi, poor old man Shop-keeper who I shall name Larry.

**Genre:** Humour, Angst if you're an avid goldfish supporter.

**Pairings:** None.

* * *

Shark eyes glazed over with excitement as he pressed his blue face against transparent glass. A toothy grin emerged as flecks of silver swam with speed through the clear water.

"Aren't they beautiful!?" Kisame exclaimed, waving over his stoic partner.

Itachi stared at the blue man, secretly wondering if he'd lost it. Here they were, caught up in some random village festival impersonating normal civilians! If the title 'S-ranked criminal' didn't apply in this situation, he didn't know what did. Itachi scoffed inwardly at the thought. The shark-man was obviously enjoying his time considerably more than himself.

"Itachi!"

His eyes gravitated back towards Kisame. His face was pressed right up against the fish-tank, almost as if his intentions were to merge with the glass. His grubby blue paws clutched both sides of the square aquarium as his eyes were transfixed by the dancing fish.

"It's actually kind of sad that they can only live in this small box of water," Kisame begun, a serious voice overtook his once excited tone. "Don't you think, Itachi?"

"Hm?"

Kisame stared at the Uchiha, waiting for an answer.

Itachi just blinked. Then blinked again. And again. Oh shit, he forgot what Kisame was talking about.

"…Yes."

"I knew you'd understand." Whatever the hell Kisame was on about, it seemed Itachi got away with being ignorant.

Kisame's gaze scanned the rest of the shop. There were many more fish-tanks filled with exotic looking fish which caught his immediate attention. They were beautiful! They didn't deserve to live like this! Kisame's eyes hardened with determination.

"I'm going to save them. Will you help me?" The shark-man stared at Itachi, his orb's glowing with resolve. "Itachi?"

"…Hm?" Itachi returned Kisame's stare before his face set into a slight confusion. Why was Kisame staring at him like that?

Oh shit.

He hadn't been listening.

"…Yes."

"Thank you Itachi!" Kisame returned Itachi's confused stare with a big grin. "I knew you wouldn't let me down!"

He honestly had no idea what was going on.

The shark-man suddenly discarded any remains of his playful façade as he glared at the shop owner with distaste. First, he'd have to knock him out. The problem was how to do it without drawing attention. After all, they were in public.

"Itachi."

"Hm?"

"Knock that guy out."

The usually stoic ninja just blinked blankly at the strange request his partner gave him.

"…Why, Kisame?"

"Just trust me!"

Itachi pondered this for a moment before shrugging it off. Fuck it, he was going to go with the flow for once. He slowly shut his eyes and concentrating on the shop-keeper's weak chakra level before flaring his eyes open to reveal crimson.

_3… 2… 1…_

_CRASH._

"There."

"Nice!" Kisame flashed his partner a toothy grin before scurrying over to the owner's counter. He flailed though the items on the desk, chucking them as he did so. Itachi's usual stoic expression almost cracked when he felt a dinner plate slap against his cheek with an unpleasant _Shluck._ Itachi didn't even have time to be quietly pissed as he watched Kisame rip apart half of the shop with a crazy glint in his eye. So much for not causing a scene…

"_Where the fuck are they!?" _The shark-man seethed, a frustrated vein forged onto the temple of his head.

Itachi once again just stood there and did what he did best. He blinked.

"I can't find any bags!" Kisame gazed at Itachi, distraught. "What are we going to do!?"

Itachi narrowed his eyes as he processed this information before blinking again. _We?_

"Ah! Fuck it! Desperate times call for desperate measures!"

Upon hearing this, Itachi continued to watch the shark-man shed his cloak before transforming it into something that kind of resembled a net. From that point on was a blur to Itachi. All he could remember was the massive pile of fish Kisame had horded into his cloak. He scurried around the shop rapidly; fear filled his gut at the thought of leaving a fish behind. Because no-one should ever be left behind!

Kisame had finally finished his raid, and left the shop with his net of fish. The shark-man gleamed with happiness as he felt he had saved these fish from a tragic prison life. Upon reflecting this, Itachi didn't have the heart to remind Kisame that half of them were probably already dead due to the lack of oxygen.

* * *

**Reviews make me happy.. *Smooth hinting.* **

**I was thinking I could take requests.. I could do any characters you wanted. WooOOOoooOOO. :P**  
**Kisame needs more love! ;_;**


	2. Tsunade's Sake

**For:** chomp0 :D

**Rating:** T

**Characters:** Kisame, Itachi and Tsunade

**Genre:** Humour

**Pairings:** None

Itachi and Kisame go on a mission to steal Tsunade's secret stash of Sake.

* * *

A deathly glare suddenly penetrated through the two Akatsuki members, halting them in their tracks. Kisame gulped apprehensively before shaking off the sudden feeling of intimidation with a grin.

"Ah, shit."

"Itachi Uchiha," the blonde woman began. "Kisame Hoshigaki. State your business."

Itachi turned around cautiously, a placid look in his eyes. He defensively withdrew several kunai with such impeccable speed, the other two didn't even notice. Silence rang through the small-knit room, causing the air to become heavy. Well, for Kisame it was. He'd never thought he'd be caught in this situation in his life. This applied even more to his stoic partner. The shark-nin almost wanted to laugh.

The blonde woman's eyes narrowed dangerously at the silent response she received.

"Uh… we were just…"

She then staggered slightly when she spotted an item she knew all too well in both of the men's grip.

"What the fuck," her stray hair shadowed her eyes threateningly. "Are you doing… _with my underwear?" _

So there they were, shadowed by the darkness of Tsunade's quarters, caught red-handed rummaging through her underwear drawer. Well, shit.

"I-It's actually not what it looks l-" The shark-nin was cut off sharply as he ducked to avoid a leg pummelling straight towards him. The wall behind Kisame shattered with ease, debris floated through the air which caused the room to go murky.

Itachi brought his hand up to his mouth before clearing his throat. Tsunade glared at the Uchiha, her attention now fully focused on the ex-Konoha-nin.

"Where is it?"

Tsunade blinked with confusion. How was she meant to know what the hell the Uchiha wanted with that description!? Did he want her fucking bras or something!?

"…Your secret Sake."

Tsunade paused for a moment upon hearing this. They wanted Sake. _The_ Sake. It was a legendary Sake bottle known throughout the Ninja Countries. Apparently, one sip and you'd gain unimaginable power. You'd also be fairly pissed of course, but you'd worry about that at another time. Many people believed such Sake to be a myth but Tsunade smirked at the thought.

"And that led you to rummage through my underwear… how?"

Kisame shiftily looked back at the drawers before grinning at the busty woman. "Where else would a woman hide things?"

Itachi nodded in agreement.

Tsunade sneered smugly before letting her dressing gown drape down from her shoulders and on to the floor. There she stood in the smallest possible top in existence, with a dangerously low V-neck. She glanced at the two Akatsuki ninja before scoffing with amusement.

Kisame stood there proudly as Tsunade stripped off. He chuckled silently and shook his head, amused that Tsunade had underestimated them this much. There was no way they'd let our guards down just because a hot chick was stripping in front of th-

"_Itachi, what the fuck!?" _

Kisame stared at the Uchiha in bewilderment, feeling sceptical that this was actually real. Itachi just stood there, staring at Tsunade's giant rack as blood reluctantly dripped from his nose.

"That isn't where I hide it, boys," Tsunade grinned as she reached into her cleavage. "_This_ is where I hide things!"

She then proceeded to pull out a small, inconspicuous bottle of what Kisame presumed was the Sake.

"Itachi, get a hold yourself!" The shark-nin raged as he shook his comrade by the shoulders. The effort was futile.

Itachi had fainted.

* * *

**Haha, hope you liked. :P**  
**Please leave a review! You know you wanna... *u***


	3. Tonton

**For:** CheeseCrazy

**Rating**: T

**Characters:** Kisame, Tonton (the pig) and Shizune

**Genre:** Humour

**Pairings:** One-sided KisaTon. Oh dear god, hahaha.

Kisame finds a pig in a bush. Love ensues.

* * *

Kisame strolled down the streets of Konoha, minding his own business. To prevent detection, he had transformed into a woman. Although 'she' was very muscular, blue, and basically exactly the same as him but with a vagina, he was sure he wouldn't get caught. He hoped.

_Oink._

Kisame paused, and turned his head towards the noise.

Silence.

The blue-nin continued on until he heard it again. Louder.

What the hell?

Kisame made his way through the street, heading towards a large bush. The noise had definitely gotten louder. He parted the many branches and stared into the hidden part of the large plant.

"Oink.."

Kisame's face went slack as his mouth parted open slightly. He couldn't stare directly at the beauty, it hurt too much. He could feel his mind cloud over any thoughts that didn't relate to this glorious pig in any way.

"…You're beautiful!" Kisame exclaimed, an innocent blush flushed over his gilled cheeks. The pig snorted in agreement and retreated further into the bush, almost as if she was harpooning the shark-man in.

Although it was an extremely tight fit, Kisame managed to merge into the bush with his new lover.

"What's your name?" Kisame mumbled nervously, his hand's fidgeted with stray leaves.

"…Oink," the pig grumbled before crawling into Kisame's lap to snooze.

The shark-nin's eye's widened profusely as he stared at the pig in awe. Did she not wait until after the first date!? He couldn't believe how bold the pig was being, sitting on his lap! Kisame felt his face burn before seeing stars in his eyes.

"….Tonton!"

Kisame felt himself tense up with anxiety as the pig snuggled into his lap.

"Tonton!"

Kisame's head shot up when light intruded into their secluded bush area. As his eyes adjusted to the light, a woman's face popped up into his vision. A very distraught woman's face. Her short black bangs framed her perplexed face, her nose was scrunched up in confusion. Time ticked slowly as they continued to stare at each other, waiting for the other to make the first move. Suddenly the woman backed away before swiftly placing poisonous needles between each of her fingers.

"Who are you?" She began, raising her arm to prepare for an attack. "What are you doing with Tonton!?"

Kisame just continued to stare at her before realising that she wanted the pig. _His_ pig. The shark-nin's face contorted from shock to a full blown anger. There was no way he'd allow his beauty to be snatched away from such a witch!

"She's mine!" Kisame cried, cradling the pink pig protectively. "She's called Oink!"

Shizune directed a look of bewilderment towards the shark-man's direction before watching him tuck-and-roll out of the bush with a gaping mouth. He securely placed the pig under his arm and then ran towards the sunset. Which wasn't cliché at all, it just happened to be a sunny evening by coincidence.

* * *

**I've written alot of weird shit in my time, but this just felt wrong. LMAO.  
Haven't proof read so sorry for mistakes.**  
**Reviews pwease? *u* ...**


	4. Waterfights

I probably made Kisame OOC. He was probably like a little angsty brat in his past but I made him all cheerful because I CAN. Kisame can't be upset, I'll cry or something LMAO. Just a warning I guess. D:

**For:** CheeseCrazy

**Rating:** T - K?

**Characters:** Kisame, Kushina and Minato

**Genre:** Friendship? I don't know for this one, haha.

**Pairings**: None

Kisame meets a fiery red-head and a calm blonde while swimming. Chaos ensues.

* * *

"What the heck!?"

Kisame perked his ears up at the voices of the two newcomers; attentiveness took over his defences, but excitement coursed through his body.

The shark boy's sharp, blue head emerged from the water, the spikes in his hair refusing to flatten. He stared at his guests in awe for a moment as if he'd never seen another human being in his life. Maybe he could make some friends! His village had always been a herd of sheep. If someone avoids you, they'd influence other people to avoid you.

And the harsh cycle continues.

But he wasn't going to be depressed about it. No way. Maybe they were different. After all, they had the Konoha sign carved clearly on their headbands. Foreign ninja. Kisame grinned at them; all basic ninja training flew over his head. The first thought when faced with 'Foreign ninja' should be, _'Are they enemies?' _Little Kisame's first thought was _'Potential friend.'_

"I'm Kisame!"

The red haired teen shared a bizarre look with her companion before replying.

"…Why do you look like a fish?"

Kisame maintained his stare towards the foreign girl, his grin slowly dispersed from his now irritated features. They were obviously considerably older than him, just bordering on teenage years. The tip of his spikes probably just reached their shoulders. But it didn't mean he was weak! He could put up a good fight when he wanted, even if he was just seven.

"Not a fish," he began, waving a knowledgeable, blue finger through the air. "But a shark!"

Although Kisame was bullied and ridiculed for his appearance, he took pride in it. He'd have days where he'd be really low on self-esteem, but those were just blips in his childhood, and while most bullied children don't recognise this, Kisame did. He'd grow up to be the greatest shark ninja!

"…It's the same thing, twerp," the red-headed girl replied while smirking at Kisame.

He glared at the red-headed beauty in an attempt to be intimidating but the action backfired when a blush spread through the shark-boy's cheeks.

Kisame pouted while crossing his arms stubbornly. "Sh-shut up, Tomato!"

A large vein protruded from the girl's forehead before she made an impulsive leap towards the shark infant. Before she could do anything abrupt, a familiar hand gripped her wrist firmly.

"Stop it, Kushina," the blonde boy said, a calm tone maintained in his voice. Of all the insults the young shark could have picked, he had to go and call her _that._

Kushina looked away in frustration, her arms dropped back to her sides. She hated that god damn nickname. It seemed to haunt her wherever she went. Normally she'd kick the guy's ass of whoever dared to refer to her by it but in this case she couldn't really beat up a little kid. _Damn it. _

"We're sorry," the older boy began, a small smile directed at Kisame. "We didn't think we'd be interrupting anyone here."

Kushina observed their whereabouts before giving her companion a stern look. They'd come all the way to the Hidden Mist on a stupid D-rank mission to deliver some stupid scroll on foot. They were entitled to a god damn soak! It's not as if they'd expected anyone to be here seeing as it was in the middle of nowhere.

"_Minato," _she growled, narrowing her eyes. "We're not leaving."

Kisame dipped his head halfway through the water; his curious eyes pondered the two newcomers thoughtfully. They were actually talking to him. Like he was a human! His grin was still visible through the azure water.

The shark-boy almost timidly lifted his head out of the water before regarding the two companions. "…You're not scared of me?"

The question caught the red-head off guard as her eye's widened slightly. "Who'd be scared of a brat like you?" Kushina finally announced and returned the boy's grin.

"I think you should be more scared of her," Minato murmured under his breath, but the other two still picked up on what he'd said.

"S-Shut up!" she snapped, splashing the blonde with a surge of water.

Kisame burst into a fit of giggles as the calm demeanour of the blonde morphed into a fleeting bewildered expression.

"Don't know what you're laughing at, kid!" His laughter was suddenly halted as water splashed against his face. As the blue-boy looked up, the red-headed girl sent a challenging stare his way.

"Did you just challenge a shark to a water fight?" Kisame grinned, discreetly performing water seals underneath the pool.

"Yeah, so wh-" Kushina was cut off as a substantial wave soaked her body completely before pulling her under the water. Re-emerging for gasps of air, she stared at the little boy incredulously.

"…W-What was _that!?"_

Minato let out a slight chuckle when he noticed Kushina's perplexed face.

Kisame grinned bashfully before scratching the back of his head. "I win!"

* * *

Spare a review? You can request anything! *w*

Kisame and the Mizukage next, ohohoho.

AND ALEX WHAT THE HELL, SHIKAAKAHIDAKISA? How. JUST HOW.

**WAT!?**


	5. Desperate

**For:** Stan5

**Rating:** T

**Characters:** Kisame, Mei (Mizukage), Sanji the bartender (lmao)

**Genre:** Romance, Humour? I dunno, haha.

**Pairings:** KisaMei

Kisame tries to win over the Mizukage with some drastic consequences.

(Hope it's alright, it took me a while to come up with something half decent. Sorry if it didn't live up to your expectations of a lovey story, Stan5. I'll get better LOL.)

* * *

Mei chugged on her glass of sake, tilting her head a whole 90 degrees as if she was desperate to drain the whole glass. She then slammed the now empty cup onto the table before forcing a grin at the slightly aghast bartender.

"I-I suppose you'd like another, Mizukage-sama?"

Her grin twitched as she replied to the podgy man. "I've told you before, drop the honorifics around here," her face twisted in annoyance as the man bowed in apology. "And yes, I'd like another one, thank you."

She drilled her blue fingernails on the wooden surface, making a steady beat in attempt to distract herself from her own thoughts. She should be doing something amazing right now. Like a romantic date with a hot guy. Or walk on the beach with a hot guy. Or she could be marrying a hot guy. Mei choked on her own spit at the impulsive thought. She'd finally hit thirty. Her thirtieth birthday. She was so old! And lonely! Everyone her age had settled down already! And where was she? _Nowhere._ Her grip tightened on the empty glass, just shards from breaking it.

"That'll be 400 yen, Mizukage-sama."

The sudden voice broke her self-loathing thoughts before she stared at sake glass. She then reached into her pouch for the bill.

Which was empty.

_Ah, shit._

"Sorry Sanji, I've ran out…" Mei pulled a sheepish grin, before twirling the long strand of hair that rested on her shoulder. She knew Sanji would let her have the glass anyway, but she still felt genuinely guilty. He'd been having financial problems that were beyond her control so she'd always pop up now and then for a drink.

A blue hand abruptly placed his hand on the bar table in front of Mei, dropping coins on the surface. She glanced sideways at the stranger with confusion.

"You can't let an attractive lady pay for her own drinks," the shark man began. "Especially if she's the Mizukage."

Words failed to form in her head as she processed what the man had said. He had spikey, blue hair with the same colour skin but paler. Three gills rested on both sides of his cheeks and wore a cheeky toothy grin which was directed at herself. She smirked in reply as she glanced down at the shark man. She could tell he was pretty muscular. Actually, that would have been an understatement. She wanted to suddenly wrap her hands around his upper arms, just to measure how large they were.

"Ahem…"

Mei looked back up to meet the shark man's eyes, a blush spread across her cheeks. She needed a drink. _Now._

Kisame grinned at the reaction he had conjured from the Mizukage. Ha, with the way this was going, Itachi would have to owe him 10,000 yen. Well, Itachi didn't really agree to it, he just stood there and stared stoically at the shark as he rambled about winning over the Mizukage. He didn't want to admit it to his partner, but the bet was a façade. He did indeed genuinely want to win over the woman. Scratch that, Itachi probably already knew. The sly bastard!

Kisame watched as the Mizukage grinned and pursed her lips to sip the sake. She kept eye contact with him as she did so, and licked her lips seductively before placing the glass down gently on the table.

"Your name?" she smiled at him before subtly fluttering her eyelashes.

"Kisame."

She looked him over once more, before coming to a resounding conclusion. He was so fucking _attractive. _She didn't understand why she thought that, he looked like a goddamn shark for Christ sake! But a sexy shark… She shook her head, cursing the alcohol that coursed through her veins. She picked up her glass before gulping it down like it was her last drink on earth. She closed her eyes, her vision already swaying from the liquid.

Kisame attracted the attention of the bartender to refill the Mizukage's cup. After he'd done so, she automatically reached for the glass before draining it in five seconds flat.

"Another!" She hiccupped, her cheeks burned red.

"Can you really handle all of them that fast?" Kisame questioned as he watched the woman intoxicate herself. His eyes widened when he heard a disheartened sob escape from the woman's lips.

"O-Oi, are you ok-"

"Kisame!" She pounced onto the large man, burying herself into his chest. Sobs echoed throughout the bar, most people ignoring the scene. The bartender shared a look of sympathy with Kisame, his eyes reflecting that this probably happened a lot.

"Marry me!"

Kisame drained in colour as he stared at the desperate woman.

"EY!?"

"I don't want to die alone!" Grief welled up in her eyes before escaping down her cheeks.

Kisame just sat there, allowing himself to be mauled by the Mizukage. Well, he didn't expect this. It was too easy. Too bizarre. All he wanted to do was to win a date with the woman. Instead he ended up being her crying pillow. In any case, a win was a win. And what kind of man doesn't comfort a woman in her time of need? Right?

Kisame was pretty much covered in tears and snot by the time he passed her unconscious body on to someone else to take her home. He guessed he could use it as evidence that he dated the Mizukage. Kind of. Now where was his 10,000 yen…

* * *

Reviews cheer my day! ;_;  
Hope it was okay.. lmao.  
Requests being taken! I like seeing everyone's ideas. :P  
Haven't proof read, sorry for mistakes.


	6. Sexual Tension

**For:** AeonsAlex

**Rating: **T

**Characters: **Kisame, Hidan, Shikamaru, Akamaru

**Genre: **Humour, CRACK

**Pairings: **KisaAkaHidaShika (WTF), HidaShika

Hidan, Shika and Akamaru finally confront Kisame with their feelings with some unexpected results.

Wtf did I just write.

* * *

Kisame, perched on a very uncomfortable rock, sighed in contentment while waiting for Itachi to return from whatever errand he vanished away to do. He never told him what though. He had a peculiar suspicion it had to do with the bargain dango sweet shop they passed by a few hours ago. The look in his partner's eye never was the same since. He didn't want to return to the room they bought to spend the night, nor did he feel up to wandering the nearby village's festival which only had two days left.

So, here he was. Just sat on a rock. In the middle of a forest. Chillin' like a shark while playing Naruto: Ninja Storm 2 on his DS. He was getting his ass kicked by Itachi, who wasn't even using genjutsu. What an embarrassment.

Then suddenly, heard a rustle.

Not making a sound, Kisame skilfully whipped out a kunai from his pouch and patiently waited for another sign of movement.

Silence.

He must have been having an off day considering he dropped his guard after only a couple of seconds. Some S-class ninja he was. A large, white dog emerged from a leafy bush that was directly opposite the shark ninja. But it didn't just emerge. Oh, no. It basically pounced on Kisame as if he was a massive slab of steak. Did dogs even like shark? Shaking his irrelevant thoughts, he was about to kick the dog in the balls before a very familiar voice interrupted his actions.

"No! You stupid fuckin' dog!"

The dog backed off considerably, but continued to growl in the direction of the voice.

"Fuckin' mongrel!"

Hidan also surfaced from the exact same bush the dog came out of.

"…Hidan?"

"Uhh, yeah," the zealot began. "This wasn't supposed to happen."

"What wasn't?"

"It's the fuckin' DOGS FAULT!"

Said dog growled at the insult before barking happily in the direction of Kisame. As it plodded towards him, Hidan let out a wave of curses and threw a kunai straight for the dog's torso. But obviously Hidan underestimated the ninja dog as it dodged the pathetic attempt of a kill with elegance.

"He's mine you fuckin' slut dog!"

They both shared a glare of evil intent before Kisame interrupted the confusing scenario before him.

"What the fuck is going on?"

Hidan huffed, confliction reflecting through his eyes. Kisame could sense he was hiding something. The dog continued to growl at the silver-haired man before whimpering up to Kisame.

"…We all made a bet…"

The shark narrowed his eyes. What the hell was he on about? A bet with who? Surely not the dog…

"With the shitty mongrel and pineapple head…"

Kisame scrunched his brows together as he glanced between the dog and Hidan. Who the hell was pineapple head?

"Hidan, what the fuck are you on about?" All the vague explanations were sort of pissing the shark off. And no-one wanted to see a pissed off shark. Kisame could vouch for that.

"Right," Hidan mumbled before shoving his hands into his cloak pockets aggressively. "I ran into the shitty pineapple a while back with his dog… who's not actually his dog, they just lost his fuckin' owner. We tried to kill each other for a while because he's still pissed I made his sensei kick the bucket before we realised we were both on the same mission… kinda… I guess."

Kisame massaged his temples and sighed. "I'm still not following…"

"I ain't fuckin' finished! So… that crazy mongrel is in heat and has been looking for your scent like crazy. 'Coz the pineapple said the dog smelt you hours ago and now it wants to hump your leg off. The pineapple is also looking for you… and so was I…" Hidan trailed off and by the time he looked up to meet Kisame's eyes, his cheeks burned pink.

The shark-nin didn't really know how to respond. A very docile, snuggling dog rested at his feet and a very rambled and obviously embarrassed Hidan stood in front of him.

"This is so troublesome…"

All three of them whipped their heads towards the new voice that echoed through the forest.

"The fuckin' pineapple's arrived."

Shikamaru sighed before catching Kisame's stare. "What he meant to say was, Akamaru wants you because you have a fish-like aroma he likes at the moment. I wanted to speak with you because your shadow has qualities I want to ask about, and Hidan over there is in love with you."

Silence passed the four of them while Kisame blankly stared at Shikamaru.

"And yes, I do mean in a homosexual w-"

"FUCK OFF YOU DICK!" Hidan roared as he swiftly swiped at Shikamaru with his scythe.

That is, he would have had he not been bound to the ground with the pineapple head's shadow clone technique.

"I knew you'd try something. And frankly I don't want to waste time beating around the bush when you can just be honest." Shikamaru cast a smug look towards Hidan as he boiled with rage.

"Honest!?" Hidan shouted as he glared accusingly at the boy. "You don't want to talk about shit about shadows! You just want_ his_ shadow you freak pervert!"

"…Like you're one to talk… so troublesome." So what if he had a shadow fetish? Hidan liked to mutilate his victims while cutting himself open and got off on it. Why was he indicating that_ he_ was the weird one?

"Fuck you, you probably have some animal fetish too, huh!?"

Shikamaru cast the silver-haired man a deadpan look. "Now you're pulling facts from your ass."

Hidan scoffed before spitting furiously in Shikamaru's direction.

"That piece of spit is what you'll look like when I finally kick your ass!"

"Very matur-"

"Right guys," Kisame began. At first he was bewildered by what Shikamaru had said to him but now he was just watching the exchange of insults flying between the two with a bored expression. He was also fed up of letting the large dog hump his leg. He was considerate at first but enough was enough. The dog got a piece of action so all was not in vain. "I'll leave you two be so you can vent your sexual frustration out on each other," he began, enjoying the baffled reaction he got from the both of them. "Because I have places to be."

And with that the shark-nin disappeared into the forest, never to be seen again.

That was, until Hidan saw him at the next Akatsuki meeting where he tried to cut Kisame in half with his scythe.

* * *

**I did that in like an hour so it's super rushed and probably full of mistakes and shit.  
I haven't had time to update any of my fics so sorry. OOPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, anyway that was a fucking hard request, dear lord.  
Next chapter, Kisame and Bee relationship problems. LOL.**


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